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4 Things Donald Trump Would Do if He Were the Pope

by David Gray, August 8, 2015

Every good Catholic knows that the Catholic Church is the Church that began at the first Pentecost and that it has been around for nearly 2,000 years and has outlived every kingdom, army, and heresy that has tried to destroy it. We all know that the sins of the world vindicate our teachings. Every time the world errs, we are proven right. Our Church is still here in spite of us; in spite of bad our Popes, Bishops, Priests, Deacons, Religious and Laity, the Church has been preserved by the mercy and hand of God. If this Church belonged solely to us it wouldn’t have lasted past 34 A.D., but in spite of our human nature to destroy everything we touch, the Catholic Church is the lasting evidence that Jesus is not a liar. The Gates of Hell have not and will not prevail against the Church He established on Saint Peter.

Yet, despite who She was created to be, the world just isn’t attracted to the Catholic Church as much as it is attracted to other things. There is a reason why many in America right now can’t get enough of talking about, watching, and Googling Donald Trump, but has become tired of Pope Francis.

Perhaps The Donald is just another fad that will fade away in a matter of minutes, but until then it might be helpful to look at what has made Trump’s campaign for President of the United States a success and see if we can mimic it to capture people’s imagination once again. If Donald Trump were the Pope, here are the Four Things that Would be Different:

  1. He’d Be Unapologetically Braggadocious and Take Credit for Everything:
  2. Donald Trump bragging
    Donald Trump doesn’t just take credit for everything, he constantly reminds you that he should be given credit for everything, and he will take it personal if you don’t acknowledge that he should be given credit for that which he is taking credit for. The Donald speaking is like what happens at the end of a movie – the credits roll, but only his name is listed. No one needs to give Trump a shout-out, because he’s always shouting out himself. It’s because Donald Trump takes credit for everything that people give him credit for everything, and, thereby, increases his fame, reputation, and trustworthiness.

    Now look at the Catholic Church. Perhaps one reason why people aren’t ecstatic to have Her in their midst is because we don’t brag enough about our central role in Western Civilization. Without the Catholic Church the Western civilization would still behind the Islamic world in Science, Law, and Economics. We created the University system. We are the reason there was a Magna Carta. We brought morality to the West and swept the pervasive tribal practices of polygamy, abortion, infanticide, child abuse, homosexuality, transvestitism, and incest. Through our devotion to the Virgin Mary and because of our many abbesses and female religious superiors we taught the barbarians about the maternal virtue and equality of women. Our teachings on marriage established that women were of equal status under the law. In 1839 Pope Gregory XVI condemned all forms of slavery. We are the reason for art, music, letters, and architecture in the West. We have always been a leader in Astronomy.

    The list of the contributions of the Catholic Church and individual Catholics upon the world is endless, but no one will ever appreciate the Church or those individuals for them if we don’t brag about them little. Kids are not learning this stuff in school. Not to mention that we are the only institution on planet Earth that can verifiably prove that our faithful members get to Heaven. We have a scandalously amount of Saints that we don’t brag about. If The Donald were the Pope, he’d talk about these things and more all day – everyday. Believe that! He wouldn’t be able to help himself from doing so.

  3. He’d Ridicule the Evil One:
  4. donald trump
    I have to give it to Pope Francis; he probably talks more about Satan than any other Pontiff in the history of the Church, but he typically only sticks with the Biblical strictures of name-calling, such as the father of lies, the devil, the adversary, the prince of the world, the deceiver, and the evil one. But those aren’t really words that people can relate today.

    If the Catholic Church wants to catch some of the Trump magic we need to start ridiculing our enemy by calling him names like Dunce, Total Loser, Bimbo, Stupid, and Light Weight. We need to make Satan a joke. Get people to laugh at him like the loser he is. That’s what The Donald would do if he were Pope. He’ would embarrass and humiliate the devil.

  5. He’d Talk About How Bad we Suck:
  6. donald trump
    The Donald always wants you to know how bad off you are and how much you need him to save you. The Church’s way of doing this is to talk about how bad Hell would be, and, perhaps, that was fine until Protestantism came along and people started to believe that they had an equivalent option to get to Heaven.

    If Donald Trump were the Pope he’d tell us that Protestants are kicking our butt in South America, how Islam has a monopoly on religion their countries. How the way Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses evangelize is making a fool of us. How Christians are being killed and persecuted throughout the world. He’d tell us everyday how bad we are losing. We wouldn’t like to hear it, but the only thing The Donald knows is how to be blunt. To the contrary, Trump doesn’t pull punches, unless the punch is being dipped out of a bowl; preferably spiked.

  7. He’d Tell Us that We Wouldn’t Suck Anymore if We Let Him Fix It:
  8. Donald Trump
    The Donald is has more confidence than a fire in a dry haystack. He has more confidence than an army of ants in an abandoned sugar factory. If he were Pope we would no longer have to be concerned about anything ever again, because we would just trust him to make this Catholic Church great again. And he’d tell us everyday that he is going to make this Catholic Church great again, and we would trust that he’s doing that because he’ll keep telling us that is what he is doing. No confusing statements. No inconsistency. Pope Donald would be like what happens when you merge Chuck Norris and Pope Benedict XVI.

6 Comments


    • Michael S Clifford
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    • August 8, 2015

    If the Donald became pope, I'd go atheist!

    • Stinky Lebinowitz
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    • August 9, 2015

    Let me guess, you are one of those Catholic obama voters who insured we got the abomination of gay marriage, right? Nice job !!!!! What you going to do for an encore ???

    • Mara319
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    • August 9, 2015

    "4 Things Donald Trump Would Do if He Were the Pope" And what make you think Pope Francis does not already do those, hmmm?

    • guest
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    • August 9, 2015

    Love the last line! (I'm using that one!) Thank you.

    • Paul
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    • August 10, 2015

    Let's not forget, under the auspicious command and chiefdom of the Donald, no less than four corporate enterprises have filed chapter 11 bankruptcy. Regardless, after the American people overwhelming voted republican in the midterm elections with no apparent result, the tone of the Donald is the only thing that resonates the current vacuum. America seems already both morally and financially bankrupt anyway. Certainly the tone of the Donald will do, what's there to lose?

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