Dude Tip: The 3 Things that Dudes Don’t Swing At

What I really don’t get is dudes swinging at the wrong things. There are Three Things that dudes are never supposed to swing at unless they want to be laughed at by other dudes and/or have their manhood brought in question by society. In case you didn’t know, as some dudes obviously don’t, I’m going to list those Three Things for you in this Dude Tip.

1. Ok, let’s start with the obvious – ‘Dudes Don’t Swing at Things Made of Glass’. Why? Because what happened to Amare Stoudemire recently can happen to you too. If you hadn’t heard; after the New York Knicks ten point loss to the Miami Heat in game two of their best of seven series, their star forward, full of underperforming emotions, punched the glass casing around a fire extinguisher in a hallway on the way back to the locker room, and had to have a possibly season ending surgery to repair the injuries incurred by the broken glass cutting into the muscles in his hand.

The last inanimate object I ever punched was a dresser mirror. I punched the mirror and the mirror won. Previously to that incident, I had always wondered why the dresser was so expensive, and I found out that day that one reason was because the mirror was absolutely solid. I broke my knuckles and had to pay a visit the hospital. So, I’ve been where Amare was and it’s painful.

You see, there is a reason why in every movie where someone breaks in to a house or a car, they always use something other their than fist, or their fist wrapped in towels to break the glass. Glass can damage your hand, whether you break through it or not. When that happens, the glass wins and you lose. Dudes are not supposed to lose to inanimate objects. Inanimate objects are not supposed to emasculate dudes and make them bleed or go to the hospital.

There is no masculine way for a dude to explain that getting beat by glass or a mirror was socially acceptable. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s how the conversation goes, “Dude what happened to your hand?” “I injured it when I pushed some glass.” “Dude why did you punch glass?” “I was angry.” “Dude, what possibly could the glass have done to you to make you angry at it?” “Nothing. I wasn’t angry at the glass, I was angry at something else?” “Ok dude, so let’s try this again then – Why did you punch the glass?”

2. The next thing that ‘Dudes Should Never Swing at is the Air’. Why? Because Because you will most likely look like Trey in the Movie Boyz ‘n the Hood below. Now granted, Trey ended up fornicating with Brenda after this scene, but that is the exception, not the rule. The rule is that if a woman sees you swinging at another dude and winning – she thinks you’re cool, but if she sees you swinging at the air and losing – she thinks your gay. I didn’t make the rules – I just blog them!

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3.The last thing that dudes should never swing at goes without saying, ‘Dudes Should Never Swing at a Woman’. Of course there are exceptions to this rule; such as if there could be a good possibility that she isn’t actually a woman, but is dressed as one, or wasn’t born one, and you are in the middle of getting your butted whooped by him/her. Also, if she actually is a woman but are getting your butt whopped by her, it’s ok to defend yourself by two-piecing her in the chin., but if at all possible just flee the scene because whether you were defending yourself or not, you’ll be known thereafter as either the dude who beats women or the dude who got his butt beat by a woman. Neither label is cool!