So what do you do when your priest uses the portion of Mass reserved for him to expound upon the readings, to launch into a liberal and borderline heretical rant? If you’re anything like me, by the time the rant is over you’re on the edge of your pew, and your eyes are as big as a deer caught in headlights.

I admit, it can be a tough time when your frothing priest thinks that his liberal opinion is better than actual Church teaching, but it can happen in the middle of any form of liturgy – even during a daily Mass – and it’s never pretty. As often as I use to get stuck in this situation, I have no helpful advice for anyone, other than pray for him, and pray for it to be over very soon. Yet, what I do have to offer is a list of Ten Fun Things you can do when your priest goes on a liberal rant. By the way, I’m being purely sarcastic here, for those who don’t have a sense of humor.

10. Stand up and Give Safety Briefing Before the Homily
Of course this script will work better if you’re dressed as an airline hostess, “Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Pope I ask that you please direct your attention to the Crucifix above as we review the emergency procedures. There are six emergency exits in this Church. Take a minute to locate the exit closest to you. Note that the nearest exit may be behind you. Count the number of pews to this exit. Should the Church experience sudden loss of orthodox teaching, stay calm and listen for instructions from the Holy Spirit. Oxygen masks will not drop down from above your pew, so you’re out of luck as far as that goes. If you came here with children, make sure that you cover their ears. In the likely event that the priest says that women should be allowed to receive the Sacrament of Holy Orders, run outta here as fast as possible – step over all old people and children. Life rafts are located in front of you – they look like hymnals and emergency lighting will lead you to your closest exit and slide. While the priest is giving his homily, please take a moment to review the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

9. Video Tape the Liberal Rant and Put it on Youtube.
If you do this it would be helpful if you had good video editing software so that you can replace the background of the Sanctuary with images of Alice in Wonderland.

8. Make Strange Grunting Sounds.
You should make a loud grunting sound at least every thirty seconds. If anyone asks if you are ok, just tell them that you think you have gas and they’ll leave you alone.

7. Hire a Person to Run Naked through the Nave.
If you’re a sports guy like me, you had to be on pins and needles hoping that some pervert didn’t pitch his trench coat and run naked across Nationals Park when the Pope celebrated Mass there in 2008.

6. Bring Earplugs.
I actually don’t recommend earplugs, because as liberal and borderline heretical the homily may be, you might actually miss something hilarious. There’s nothing more fun than calling your faithful Catholic friends and family with a sentence that starts, ‘You’ll never guess what Father said at Mass today”.

5. Play a Recording of a Crying Baby.
I love this one! Babies are the best remedy during a liberal homily. What’s even better is the person next to you intensely staring as you cradle rock your invisible crying baby. For a bonus, put the invisible baby over your shoulders and start patting it’s back.

4. Start Waving the #1 Foam Finger.
Every time the priest says something ridiculous pump your big foam #1 Finger in the air. He’ll be so thrown off by it that he’ll stop talking and walk back to his seat. You’ve won!

3. Stand up and Scream ‘He Has a Gun AND the Roof is on Fire’ and Start Running
This works best when you stand on top of your pew, jump over the back of it, fall on the ground, and stand up screaming and waving your arms wildly as you run zigzag down the middle aisle.

2. Every time the Priest ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’ shout ‘The Dingo Stole my Baby’.
Actually an Australian coroner has ruled recently that a dingo really did eat Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton’s baby, over 30 years ago.

1. Start Doing the Moonwalk down the Center Aisle.